it was 4:30 p.m. and my three year old had not taken a nap. we were all hungry and i just knew that getting him into the car and getting us all home as quickly as possible was my best course of action.

he didn’t want to put his coat on and so i consciously decided not to force the issue.

as soon as we stepped out the door two ladies noticed and said to my son…you need to have a coat on. it’s too cold to be out here without one.

i looked at them smiling, hoping to connect, and share a knowing exchange like…yup. i know it’s cold. i would prefer that he wear a coat. but it’s almost dinner, he’s overtired. i’ve learned to choose my battles and this is one i’m not going to wage.

but they looked right past me and loudly amongst themselves continued to talk about how terrible it was that he didn’t have a coat on and how cold it was and this is how people get sick.

i was so not in a space to engage with them so i just got my kids in the car (which was all of 10 ft from the entrance to the library) and got out of there.

on the way home i was thinking about this post and also thought about how many times i have judged other parents’ actions without knowing the whole story.

such an important issue you’ve brought to light.

love to you my friend…

~e
exhale. return to center.´s last blog ..lily of the rolling pin

I can think of situations where I would call out sharply to my children, mostly for their own safety. That’s the closest I can think of to an OK reprimand, and I would be all right with another adult doing the same with me. I might find it jarring in the moment, like if another car honks at me, but if it saves me from danger I’ll accept it. It’s not really a reprimand, though, since the point isn’t to rebuke or chasten but to alert.

I absolutely think that there’s another way to communicate a similar message, too. For example, had the woman said, “I saw your son and I was so concerned for him,” it would have been less confrontational, while still sharing her fears. There is no situation that I can think of where personally attacking someone (as she attacked you) actually helps or is necessary. It’s just … not.
Amber´s last blog ..Looking Out My Window

New here. I read this post a few times, absorbing the beautiful raw emotions this experience provided.

I will be visiting this lovely home more : -)

Blessings,
Carla
Carla´s last blog ..Crocs, Venom, and Bon voyage

There are two things you said that don’t quite site right with me:

“If you had not been reprimanded by that woman…you wouldn’t be looking inward to your own personal growth as a mother and human being.”

One of my observations about life is that contemplation is a normal part of the learning experience if the learning experience is not disturbed. In my personal case, I am constantly looking inward to my own personal growth. It’s actually something I can’t help. Without that women I still would have reflected how the situation had occurred, how I could prevent it in the future and how I could help my son assimilate his learning experience in a positive and affirming way. What I find unnecessary is the attempt to add shame to the situation. Like I said in the post, as an adult I can work my way through that, but for a child it can be emotionally detrimental.

“…I see careless, thoughtless parenting every day. Do those parents need to be reprimanded? How are they going to learn and change if they’re never told that what they are doing is bad?”

I think we have a difference in fundamental world views here. A parent would have to be doing something very, very blatantly harmful and destructive (I’m thinking sexual, physical, emotional abuse) for me to judge their actions as “bad”. Even then I try to stay away from bad and good dichotomy, because like everything in life, it’s subjective. If I was in a situation where a parent was acting in a way that actually indicated real harm for the child I would figure out how to help. I’m not sure reprimanding the parent is going to help much at that point.

Some people think if your child is not wearing a coat out of the house you are a bad parent. Some people think if your child starts getting rowdy out at a restaurant you are a bad parent. Because someone has their own perception of good and bad parenting, does that give them the right to reprimand as if they had authority or the right in that other persons life?

One more thought, I actually don’t see careless, thoughtless parenting every day. Mostly I see parents doing their best with their given situation and if they are having a rough time I can empathize, b/c I understand that families have rough spots where you haven’t quite figured it out and working it out.

There have only been a few times where I have truly been uncomfortable with a parent out in public. They were publicly disciplining their child (almost for the sake of showing the crowd they aren’t a pushover) and I felt very embarrassed for the child (and the parent).

In that situation I feel reprimanding that mother is 1) none of my business and 2) does not help. If I was inclined to participate it may have been helpful to walkover and say something empathetic that might have distracted her from her tirade and reminded her that the child’s action was a child’s action….not worth public humiliation.

Good discussion! Thanks for engaging :-)