Motherhood: The Ultimate Slice of Humble Pie.
All that I thought I knew has slipped through my fingers these past five and half years. My mother used to say (like I’ve heard many parents say), “You just wait until you have kids of your own–then you’ll see.”
I never understood what they meant, because obviously I wouldn’t make their mistakes. I would do it differently and I do, in many ways, parent in my own ways and at times in response to what I see (and saw) that I do not (did not) like or find value in.
I don’t make their mistakes–I make my own.
And now I know exactly what my mother meant.
After I labored for three days with Solshine and used my last ounce of energy to push out his vibrant, healthy being I swore I would never judge a woman for the birth choices she makes.
After Solshine screamed unconsolably for the first month of his life I swore I’d never judge a parent again based on their child’s behavior.
After my two year old ran over the old lady in the supermarket with the toy cart I swore I would never give another parent a dirty look in public.
After we were reprimanded in public by a perfect stranger I swore I would never reprimand another living person again, adult or child.
How was I to know parenting was so hard? How was I to know that everyone, despite doing their best, still has extremely challenging situations? How was I to know there was no such thing as the perfect parent? How was I to know that children have their own experience to live and we as parents do not control them?
Parenthood has effectively asked me to step down from the soapbox.
How do I hold onto my own Truth without setting up a right and wrong; the very duality that splits the potential of stronger than steel unifying action?
There is the ever present fine line:
judgement v discernment;
know-it-all-ness v expertise;
pity v compassion;
preaching v sharing;
teaching v facilitating.
Imagine the changes we could make as moms and dads united. Nobody wants chemicals in their family’s food, toys, or furniture. Nobody wants to eat food from farms that abuse their animals or land for profit. But it’s so easy to get caught up on our differences that it’s hard to make a real difference.
Imagine the changes we could make for birthing women if we held a united front, standing not on the idea that giving birth one way is the right way, but rather that there are certain human rights that cannot be violated simply because a woman is in labor. Instead we fight amongst ourselves over personal choices and lean on our own defenses.
The same thing goes for any current crisis (of which there are many!). Things only change when there is a unified strength and in order to create that solidarity we’ve got to let go of our pride and our need to have our choices be the right choices.
I saw someone tweet some time ago (sorry I’m not sure who said it) something to the effect that ‘we say if women were to run the world there would be no wars–but it’s probably more likely we’d scratch each others eyes out’.
I’ve witnessed a lot of this eye scratching out behavior in groups that are trying to work towards a unified goal and it’s with great intention that I choke down yet another piece of humble pie. I’m not perfect and neither are you so let’s just keep it respectful and figure it out.
After all, our kids are watching.
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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Awesome. Really well said!
So, so well said.
And I hear you on the changes parenting brings. I am much less judgmental, now that I have been through it myself. There just is no one right way to do it, which is what I finally understand now.
Amber´s last blog ..The Front of my Shirt
thank you for this beautiful reflection hillary.
i recently had a related conversation with a farmer friend about making peace with our own inconsistencies. (as in…i can’t even count the number of drive-through meals i have bought for my kids on the way to work at a farm that raises all-natural, pastured meats and eggs.)
and then there was my recent experience in florida where i say my all-natural, deep-breathing, yoga teacher-self in a walk-in clinic for SIX hours to get drugs to make it through the plane ride home.
talk about a humbling experience. it was incredible and i am deeply changed for having it.
i’m thinking about you every day and sending lots of love and light…
xo
~erin
exhale. return to center.´s last blog ..sponsor giveaway :: mom evolve
Oh man. It IS a fine line and I cross it constantly, if not outwardly than inwardly and that’s almost more bothersome to me.
It’s impossible to not feel as if what we do is “right”…why else would e do it? It’s impossible to know what is “right” for someone else. And worse, what if the parents swear it is right and the children are obviously hurting from those choices? That line all but disappears in those instances for me.
So this morning I read the spanking post over at steadymom (not condoning spanking, but bringing it up) and I found myself feeling really judgmental. I’m usually really good at keeping an open perspective to other family’s choices because of the birth work I do, but the spanking issue brought up a lot of emotions for me.
Funny b/c in the spectrum of women’s health and childbirth I have made real peace with people choosing options that I would never choose for my family. The line disappeared with spanking and I’m trying to sort through the emotions of it all.
And about the “right” thing–I find it easy to say it’s right for me and understand that other people’s choices would be right for them. This makes sense and the line gets dicey when we are talking about individual rights (adults and children).
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