To whom it may concern,
I apologize if you heard me melt down last night. You probably heard me yell very loudly at my entire family before I pulled on my sneakers with no socks, grabbed a not warm enough coat and slammed the door as I ran into the rain.
(Dramatic, I know.)
You may have thought I was crazy leaving my warm, cozy home and family and besides, what kind of mother would leave her over-tired two year old crying at the door as she ran out?
My kind of mother. The kind who can’t always do it–who can’t keep up with kids who seem to need more than I have to give, a pregnancy that surprised us, health insurance that doesn’t cover my midwife’s fees, midwifery that is illegal as of a week of my due date, a new business, and no family around to help with the kids during these stressful times.
I’m stressed, we’re stressed and of course the kids are acting more needy which is the opposite of what I need from them right now.
Last night I felt so claustrophobic I just had to run away. In the cold rain that was so appropriate and on a lonely street in the darkness I felt hopeless and stuck. I tried to think where I could go to get away, but besides having a lack of options I realized how long could I really go? My kids would be really frightened if I didn’t come back for bedtime and Stone has to go to work in the morning. Who was I kidding? The best option I could come up with is going for tearful root beer float (which I am thoroughly obsessed with this pregnancy), but I didn’t have any money with me. (sob.)
So I went home.
Before I opened the door I sat on our top step and listened to my family. They were building train tracks and talking. It didn’t seem so bad and I went back in. I walked right back into the fridge that needs to be restocked, the business that needs me to enter last month’s expenses, the home budget that needs to be planned for the next month, the five year old who needs some serious one-on- one to help cope with the intensity that feels like our family and a two year old who recently weaned and is not so happy about it.
I pretended it was Earth Hour and shut off every light in the house and went to bed knowing everyone would follow. They did and snuggled in warmly and quietly everything felt a little better.
I feel a little better today. I can feel the stress and then I feel badly about being stressed when pregnant. I know if I just slow down a little I can catch my breath. I know I have that–my breath. I know I have tools such as yoga and writing that helps me get through times like these. I know I have friends I can lean on.
So, if you heard me lose it last night I apologize and please don’t think I’m a horrible mother. I’m not–I promise. I’m just finding my way one moment at a time and I’m doing my best to process this without being hurtful or mean to those around me. I’m doing my best.
Your local and global neighbor,