Last week I posted a picture of trash pulled from Fall Creek. I was struck by the odd assortment of misplaced items laying in the sun. It looked like a sculpture to me, a reflection of who we are and how we interact with the land, the water and the materials of our world. When I looked over my ‘Weekends’ post it looked out of place and I realized that maybe my readers would wonder why I posted a picture of trash pulled from a river in between a newly married couple and my sweet boy.
Here are some of my thoughts:
We all hold trash within ourselves. By trash I mean the things that shouldn’t be there in a perfect world. In a river this means old carpets, broken bicycles and nasty chemicals. In people it means emotional wounds, pent up aggression and toxic thoughts (to name a few). Like the trash in the river, our inner junk affects the quality of our lives. We can poison our emotional and physical health with with toxic emotions and belief systems. We can limit our experiences, our relationships and our growth by holding onto our trash.
When our personal, inner trash first rears its ugly head it can be painful and frightening. We shy away, wanting to pretend it doesn’t exist, but in that resistance it gains strength and power over us. If we can approach our inner shadows and allow ourselves to feel the feelings, though it might seem scary and painful we can transform our junk into beauty and art.
This picture and these thoughts were a precursor for the days to follow. For some reason (call it the full moon or any other correlated phenomenon), I’ve been having personal junk come to the surface. It’s been ugly and painful and frustrating and uncomfortable. I’ve had a short temper with the kids and for some reason my entire life has seemed static. It’s felt as though I was suspended in my own personal chamber of dark emotions. (Okay, I’m dramatic, but really, it’s been rough.) I hated what I saw in myself and yet, I didn’t want to repress it anymore. I knew it would just resurface again another time. I knew it was affecting my quality of life and on another level my physical well-being. I had to feel the feelings all the way through to release them and make room for new growth, and healthier beliefs and emotions.
It’s been a journey and my eyes are wide open. I feel like a snake shedding her skin or the archetypal tower, crumbling along with it’s old, outdated beliefs. I’m at a beginning again. It makes sense now that I think about it. I’ve spent a lot of time this spring musing and dreaming about rebirth and renewal, and here I find myself deep within my own rebirth.
I’ve been working on putting ‘The Plan’ on paper so I can share it with you and maybe this has been part of what triggered my recent metamorphosis. I need to let go of some of my old junk to make room for all our new dreams. I spent the better part of the weekend moving furniture, sweeping out forgotten corners and washing hard to reach places. I feel much better now and I can’t help but notice that when I align my inner world with my outer world things feel much better. So here I am squeaky clean and fresh and ready really live…..and love…..and laugh….and cry…..and feel any emotion that needs to be felt.
There really is beauty in the breakdown.
Soon to come: ‘dandelions are my psychedelic herb of choice’ and ‘THE PLAN!’