I find myself default parenting all. the. time. By default parenting I am referring to the parenting methods I fall back on that are not aligned with my ideals and my best self. My personal default parenting methods include yelling, useless threats and acting from a place of frustration and overwhelm. It is difficult and embarrassing for me to admit this, but I also want to be honest with myself, use community support and be proactive in becoming a better parent.
I’ve become increasingly aware of my default parenting mode as I walk my journey of mindfulness and consciousness, and my natural state of intuitiveness strengthens as I give it voice. I now catch myself in the moment and as I’m default parenting I hear the “other” voice in my head simultaneously acknowledging that I am not parenting in a style that respects the myself or my children. It is like a little buzzer that goes off and I’m thankful for it.
I’m human and life is a journey so I do not want to beat myself up over these moments, but I do want to move into a place where I parent better, listen more and act wisely and knowingly more of the time.
The question is: How do I switch my default parenting into more respectful and consensual way of interacting and learning with my children? How do I move away from the outdated parenting models that where modeled to me through society and rewire my parenting brain?
I’d love to hear your answers and I hope to come back with a few of my own.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
I count to 5 slowly and try to remember why I don’t want to fall into that “default parenting” mode. When he’s screaming, I try to remember all the smiles. Sometimes I walk away for a minute. But man, oh man, is it hard!
You know, I find myself entering that territory when I am over-tired, my husband has been working late into the night and I have taken on most of the parenting for a few days straight or I haven’t had any “me” time.
So I try to go to bed earlier, take on less, got for a walk or bike ride, etc. And I apologize to my child if I raised my voice or was disrespectful to him. We are all human and make mistakes. We are allowed to correct them and move forward.
I’ve so been here this past week. It’s frustrating to feel as if you’ve taken giant leaps backwards. I have no answers yet. But it’s been on my mind for days and maybe they’ll form themselves into actual meaningful thoughts soon.
::hugs::
~Tara
I can sympathize completely H! I am in the default parenting mode more often than I care to admit. I find it happens when I am tired and the kids are tired too. Keep us well rested and well fed makes such a huge difference. I find it happens a lot at dinner time too, the often precarious balance of preparing dinner and paying attention to the kids who have been at school all day while I have been at work is a total juggling act that makes me lose patience on a lot of nights.
It helps me to read stuff like what you posted, just to know I am not alone in this journey of trying to find a healthy centered place to parent from. Thanks H :)
Just stumbled upon this post today, it was linked underneath your recent post about labels.
Gosh, this resonates. I know exactly what you speak of.
.-= Jasie VanGesen´s last blog ..epiphany, like whoa. =-.