by flowers on November 11, 2009 · 14 comments

If you have a moment, I’d love to share.

I have been having a really a teeny-weenie bit of a hard time acclimating myself to this pregnancy.

It’s not physical, because I feel great. I have very few symptoms and I actually love the physical state of being pregnant. It was as a good friend and fellow doula said while I was whining on the phone, “This one just bit you in the butt.”


In so many ways I feel like my plate is full. To think of adding something as huge as growing, birthing and parenting another being just felt overwhelming.

I told another friend and fellow doula today (I have a lot of wonderful doula friends) at the homeschooling free skate that Stone and I had just decided that we did not want to have another child right now. We wanted to wait a few years. Her perfect answer was, “If you had the time to discuss it–Universal powers read: you have time and space for another child.” So true.

So I’ve been eeking along, giving myself permission to feel however I want to feel and enjoying the love and support I’ve been receiving from my friends and community. I’ve even gotten little glimpses of this new precious one. Sometimes right before bed when I’m snuggling with the boys I feel a warmth or see a spark in the corner of my eye. It makes me feel better, knowing that this is about a new journey, a new relationship with an amazing person.

But still, I’ve felt unsettled.

Today I sat myself down and did an exercise in my journal. I wrote “What am I afraid of?” at the top of the page and just let my head write. I found my answer quickly and I’d love to share.

What am I Afraid Of?

Pregnancy? No.

Childbirth? No.

Having three kids? A little.

Having enough money? A lot.

Finding the right birth support team? A little.

Finding, buying and moving into a new house? A lot.

Moving forward with my career? A ton!

Conclusion: My fears and hesitancies have little to do with this pregnancy or baby. Rather, the baby is bringing my fears to the surface.

This is good news! Everything makes so much more sense right now. I feel like I’ve been drowning in fears, contemplating fears, swearing off fears for the past few months and now I realize I was pregnant the whole time. I’m not sure if it’s the same for you, but pregnancy brings all my fears to the surface. I should of known.

If there is one thing I’ve learned about pregnancy and birth is that it is a process of self-discovery. The more honest I was about my fears and the more I faced and answered to them, the easier it was to birth my babies. In my experience, labor brings your fears right to the surface and then, not only are you trying to birth a baby (which is a lot of work), but you are also navigating through old buried emotional junk. To process this all during pregnancy (rather than during the intensity of birth) is a gift!

I see now that many of my fears have to do with moving forward as a professional and expanding my career and opening myself to bigger income streams. It feels as though this child and this experience of becoming mother again has come to help me move forward. I have the sense of an unfolding, a flowering of a part of myself that has not yet bloomed.

So essentially, this baby is gifting me the experience of facing the fears I’ve been burying away these past few years so I can continue on my authentic path. (S)he’s come at the perfect time to help me and in this infinite moment I trust that all is well and unfolding in perfect timing.

Just when you think the clouds might never break, the Sun streams through the sky.



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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

Tiffany November 12, 2009 at 8:42 am

Awesome post! Doesn’t it feel so great to make sense of those jumbled feelings, and start to fit the puzzle pieces together? I love when that happens!
.-= Tiffany´s last blog ..Why the iPhone Makes Me a Happier Mom =-.


Kelly November 12, 2009 at 10:56 am

I’m at the end of my second pregnancy, and even though ours was “planned”, I have felt very much the same. I’ve also been struggling with time and not having enough with my son now, let alone when our daughter is born. Like you, I felt this way before I was pregnant, but the pregnancy brought it more to the surface- it also brought to the surface suppressed desires to cut back on my professional life and devote more time to my growing up too fast family. Reading this post made me realize, ” My fears and hesitancies have little to do with this pregnancy or baby. Rather, the baby is bringing my fears to the surface,” which I think will do me and my energy towards her a lot of good- Thank you!
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Halloween- The WHOLE Month Long =-.


Devon November 12, 2009 at 11:20 am

You are such an inspiration :) And now you have 6 mos+ to work through all this stuff!!
.-= Devon´s last blog ..NaBloPoMo =-.


Alisha November 12, 2009 at 11:43 am

What a wonderful breakthrough. Pregnancy brings my true fears to the surface too. Kudos to you for facing them!
.-= Alisha´s last blog ..I probably should have gotten that shot =-.


flowers November 12, 2009 at 12:00 pm

Kelly: I’m so happy you resonated with it and hopefully are able to find more peace. It’s always such a journey.

D: I know! I feel so much better about it now. At least I know what I’m feeling and what I’m working on and yes, the time to process it all and align myself with how I want to feel.


Melodie November 12, 2009 at 12:54 pm

I have a friend who went through this too. She got pregnant right after miscarrying and deciding with her partner that they would wait another year or two to try again. I saw her for nine months struggle to find the balance in accepting that her life was going to change again and this time she was not in control. I think you are blessed in so many ways, but especially to be able to have come to this breakthrough so early in your pregnancy. And now, you have two more trimesters to refine and work through these fears. Blessings indeed.
.-= Melodie´s last blog ..Support for Breastfeeding Can Make All The Difference =-.


Tara November 12, 2009 at 1:52 pm

Thumbs up and congrats!
.-= Tara´s last blog ..Autumn in Florida =-.


exhale. return to center. November 12, 2009 at 5:16 pm

oh hillary! what a fantastic post.

i love the exercise you did. and can very much relate to pregnancies bringing out fears and anxieties.

we’re done having babies but i’ve experienced something similar as i’ve been ‘birthing’ my career. lots of fears coming to the surface just before i breakthrough and move to the next level.
.-= exhale. return to center.´s last blog ..breathing space :: rest time =-.


flowers November 12, 2009 at 5:31 pm

Yes Erin! It’s funny how so much of life can parallel the process of conception, pregnancy, and birth. I think that’s why I was feeling so intense. This pregnancy has piggy backed some career moves. Super intense!


Kate November 12, 2009 at 6:05 pm

Great list, great reflection, great post, great baby, great mama!!!

This whole thing makes me feel GREAT! :)

I love you!
.-= Kate´s last blog ..My Everyday Magic 11/12/09 =-.


Stacy (Mama-Om) November 14, 2009 at 1:26 am

This is a lovely post — I wish I had had that much clarity when I was pregnant with my second child. I could sense my anxiety in a generalized way, but it didn’t come to light for me until much later. We are all on our own paths… Thanks for sharing so much of yours in this post!

And…. Congratulations!! :)


kate November 15, 2009 at 5:00 pm

You are SO much more aware and awakened than I was during our (surprise!) third pregnancy. I went through the first five months in a state of shock and unhappiness– despite how much I love being pregnant– because I was too afraid to do the work it takes sometimes to face the emotions that drive our moods. In hindsight, I would have enjoyed those intimate moments of having Lizzie and I still joined as one so much more had I done just what you are doing now…hooray for your willingness to be open and honest with yourself…and for knowing that this little being picked you– and that’s what matters most. big hugs mama!


Leah November 16, 2009 at 3:23 pm

Oh you are so right! Beautifully put sister, as always :D


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