If you have a moment, I’d love to share.
I have been having
a really a teeny-weenie bit of a hard time acclimating myself to this pregnancy.
It’s not physical, because I feel great. I have very few symptoms and I actually love the physical state of being pregnant. It was as a good friend and fellow doula said while I was whining on the phone, “This one just bit you in the butt.”
In so many ways I feel like my plate is full. To think of adding something as huge as growing, birthing and parenting another being just felt overwhelming.
I told another friend and fellow doula today (I have a lot of wonderful doula friends) at the homeschooling free skate that Stone and I had just decided that we did not want to have another child right now. We wanted to wait a few years. Her perfect answer was, “If you had the time to discuss it–Universal powers read: you have time and space for another child.” So true.
So I’ve been eeking along, giving myself permission to feel however I want to feel and enjoying the love and support I’ve been receiving from my friends and community. I’ve even gotten little glimpses of this new precious one. Sometimes right before bed when I’m snuggling with the boys I feel a warmth or see a spark in the corner of my eye. It makes me feel better, knowing that this is about a new journey, a new relationship with an amazing person.
But still, I’ve felt unsettled.
Today I sat myself down and did an exercise in my journal. I wrote “What am I afraid of?” at the top of the page and just let my head write. I found my answer quickly and I’d love to share.
What am I Afraid Of?
Having three kids? A little.
Having enough money? A lot.
Finding the right birth support team? A little.
Finding, buying and moving into a new house? A lot.
Moving forward with my career? A ton!
Conclusion: My fears and hesitancies have little to do with this pregnancy or baby. Rather, the baby is bringing my fears to the surface.
This is good news! Everything makes so much more sense right now. I feel like I’ve been drowning in fears, contemplating fears, swearing off fears for the past few months and now I realize I was pregnant the whole time. I’m not sure if it’s the same for you, but pregnancy brings all my fears to the surface. I should of known.
If there is one thing I’ve learned about pregnancy and birth is that it is a process of self-discovery. The more honest I was about my fears and the more I faced and answered to them, the easier it was to birth my babies. In my experience, labor brings your fears right to the surface and then, not only are you trying to birth a baby (which is a lot of work), but you are also navigating through old buried emotional junk. To process this all during pregnancy (rather than during the intensity of birth) is a gift!
I see now that many of my fears have to do with moving forward as a professional and expanding my career and opening myself to bigger income streams. It feels as though this child and this experience of becoming mother again has come to help me move forward. I have the sense of an unfolding, a flowering of a part of myself that has not yet bloomed.
So essentially, this baby is gifting me the experience of facing the fears I’ve been burying away these past few years so I can continue on my authentic path. (S)he’s come at the perfect time to help me and in this infinite moment I trust that all is well and unfolding in perfect timing.
Just when you think the clouds might never break, the Sun streams through the sky.